Why was I trying so hard to fit in?

Bainy B Cyrus has reaffirmed something I already knew. I seemed naïve as I couldn’t hear/feel all the warnings around me. I tried to tune in to the words instead when I should have trusted my instincts. Body language is more important than words themselves.

You may feel like you have repeated yourself or that it’s ‘common sense’ but deaf people aren’t always clued up like their hearing peers as a lot is from overheard conversations or by picking up on intonation.

I have stupidly been in situations that could have gone horribly wrong but I somehow survived them…

I feel that the spirits were watching me, trying to guide me – even when I didn’t want to listen. Things have turned out ok though. It wasn’t part of my five year plan to be where I am today but I’ve had to adapt. That is what I do best, it seems.

I’m used to being the outsider but that don’t make it any easier. I’m used to sometimes being the last one to hear/follow a conversation but that’s just trying to make people more deaf aware and realise that I am there. There are a few friendships I’ve could have given up on long ago but I’m glad I didn’t. It has left me feeling cold at times as they didn’t quite get me and my deafness, but then again some of my own family haven’t gotten to that stage yet. You’d think family would think twice before laughing at what you’ve said when you’ve said the wrong thing. But then they’re so used to not dealing with disabilities.

Where am I going with this? I’m just reminding myself not to be too harsh on myself as it took me years to understand hearing people when I couldn’t comprehend my own deafness.

I wanted to fit in, but now I’m glad I didn’t.

Why do I choose not to sing in public?

It’s hard work being a musician. You have to rehearse everyday or you lose your talents that you’ve worked so hard to achieve. I should know being an ex pianist.

I got to ABRSM grade 7 standard on the piano but my heart wasn’t in it. Was it because I was forced to perform pieces for an exam that had been selected by the exam board? I couldn’t choose a piece of music that I listened to for pleasure or danced to in private for my graded exams.

I do appreciate the training that I had whilst doing these exams. It taught me loads about my personality and aspirations. But it took me a while to be true to myself. I knew I wanted to be a singer.

I have had opportunities to sing in public by doing a solo performance on the piano whilst singing and by being in a choir. I enjoyed it immensely. However, being locked away in the rehearsal room is gruelling and can make you curse yourself for not being perfect all the time. You have to train your body to reach those particular rhythms or pitch no matter the instrument you play.

I thought I would enjoy performing more if I could sing and sign at the same time. Unfortunately I feel like time is running out. It’s another new set of skills I would have to learn and I still need to pay the bills. I’m not a teenager anymore who doesn’t have a care in the world. I have to remember this fact.

I would still like to perhaps write song lyrics for a trained professional to sing. My passion for music hasn’t waned just how I choose to react to it in a professional way.

I will stick to my other creative projects. Be it playwriting, copywriting or writing stories. Amongst a million other things!