Deaf and dumb? I think not.

I feel D/deaf people are the same as hearing people when it comes to wishing to improve their job prospects. However, how can many D/deaf people do this when the adequate access isn’t provided?

I seem to always be studying. If I’m not studying I’m reading or watching tv whilst quietly working out a creative project. Only in my spare time when motherhood duties doesn’t beckon me. It’s like I’m always working and never seem to sleep soundly at night. I have enrolled on a few home study courses. They are copywriting and social media marketing. I think that this will help to fund my creative side and allow me to possibly afford another day at nursery for my toddler.

But when the access isn’t there, how do disabled people enhance themselves? Luckily I’ve chosen subjects that revolve around reading. I’m fortunate that I can understand written English to a high degree. Those who struggle well where are the BSL translations or transcripts for podcasts? It always seems to resort back to money. Money, money, money. If I had the money I would help others like myself but for now I have to help myself before helping others.

It seems disabled people’s cries are falling on deaf ears when it comes to access in all areas of life. Then the government wishes to penalise us for being disabled by cutting needed fundings and projects? How is that fair?

It feels those who are privileged and non-disabled won’t argue on our behalf unless affected themselves for whatever reason. Be it their child, mother, father or another relative who is affected by being disabled in this unfriendly world.

Education is incredibly important and without it how can one achieve success in life? 

So please don’t call us ‘deaf and dumb’ when you fail to provide access to us all.

I wish to improve myself, do you?

A tweet on Twitter by @GraceFVictory ‘Don’t get side tracked with what other people doing. You are in your own damn lane with no traffic. Stay focused on those winding roads 💗’

The amount of times people, well close family, tell me that writing isn’t a real job so I must forget my dreams. 

The amount of times I’ve nearly given up but the universe tells me I’m on the right track by surprising me with delightful writing related news.

The amount of times I stress myself out wondering how I will provide for myself and my toddler in the future. The answers are all in the subjects I wish to train myself in. Copywriting and social media marketing. I have already enrolled on these home study courses. I just need to motivate myself again…

You can be so busy comparing your life to others that you waste the person you are. You are on your own journey. Not theirs. Don’t forget that.

Is it any wonder why I get depressed?

I have quite a few regrets in life. When I start thinking about these regrets it only gets me depressed. I have to hold my head up high and say ‘it’s ok. It really is’.

Is it any wonder that I get depressed every now and then given what I’ve revealed recently in my blog post? That and other things like having low self esteem has led to putting up with certain occurring situations. Thankfully I had enough self respect to dump my ‘friend’ as I knew it wasn’t how you treat people. Once was enough. 

I’d guess a lot of my low self esteem has come from not knowing how to handle my deafness. How to assert myself by saying ‘hey I’m deaf – don’t treat me like that’. I may have had that confidence if I wasn’t bullied at school for being different. But hey ho, in recent years I guess I have learnt to be alone and not try to fit in anymore. I’ve survived severe bouts of depression and this means I should be able to get through anything life throws me.

Here’s to trying to move on from the past but still using that crap for artistic reasons for plays and the likes.

Why aren’t we ready to talk?

I shared a secret of mine the other day. One that has haunted me in various ways for the past five years. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then read my previous blog post  here.

I felt really exposed when I finally published it and thought I may get some kind of response. But it felt like I was greeted with silence. 

Why the silence guys? 

Is it too close to home for you? 

Or is it always the victim’s fault for ending up in a situation like that?

Do you want all the gory details? He used me like a rag doll – use your imagination…

I’m hoping by speaking out it will encourage others to speak out too or ask for help. You’re not alone. 💙

Dear rapist ‘friend’, thank you!

Thank you for letting me know your name rhymes with motherf***er.  

Thank you for treating me like a rag doll when YOU were having sex, I know how I don’t wish to be treated.

Thank you for proving that you’re not a man but a mere pathetic boy.

Thank you for providing me material for my play also called ‘Rag Doll’, I wish to highlight what is consensual sex.

Thank you for making me be reborn again in more ways than one. Looks definitely are deceiving in your case.

Thank you, just thank you for being the biggest tw*t I’ve ever met, we may no longer be friends but I know the sun don’t shine out your backside unlike those who still do.

I hope we never meet again so I’m just writing to say ‘Thank you’.

Happy regular Tuesday everybody!

Valentines Day can often remind you of failed relationships, especially when single. I for one am one of these people.

I was in a long term relationship- long meaning it was most of my adult life. I’ve been single for over two years now and it’s only now I feel ready to move on. I guess I’ve not been able to address a lot of things since having a young child to look after. You put them first no matter what.

As the only one in my circle of mummy friends who’s single I often used to envy them as they could have children with the same partner. Now I’m happy for them as it shows real love is possible.

I saw the Yorkshire Evening Post yesterday about the show Naked Attraction wanting people from Leeds. I laughed at the idea of myself applying. Me naked on national TV?! Heck no! I’d rather travel to London and go on First Dates…

I’d just say for the singles out there, don’t despair – now is clearly not your time. You just need to be in a steady relationship with yourself first before committing to another.

Have a happy regular Tuesday! 

Who do I call my best friends?

I’ve moved about up and down the UK since I was small. I felt I could have had long lasting friendships when I was small but it wasn’t to be. It’s because I moved primary schools when I was nine and secondary schools when I was 15.

Moving primary schools was hard and I remember the person I did call my best friend didn’t want me to leave. My parents wanted me to have a better education as the primary school I was at was open planned making everything extremely noisy. Plus it was also mixed Year groups. When you were in the older year group you just repeated what you did the year before. How dull.

When I went to the second primary school I knew I just wouldn’t fit in and I’ve kind of had that feeling of not belonging since then.

My mum always told me I had three disadvantages in life being Black, deaf and a woman. I sometimes wonder which one people see first but is that really my problem? Sometimes it is.

I find it hard letting people in as I’ve had been through difficult times and the only ‘person’ I could trust was pen and paper – i.e. My diary. I still sometimes feel that way today.

When I returned to London as a young adult, the only time I felt I fitted in after three depressing years at university was when I met D/deaf people. I felt ‘at long f***ing last! I belong!’ I was able to share some of my pain to these new friends but once again I wasn’t able to stay settled where I was…

Since moving nearer my family I’m still in touch with some of my close personal D/deaf friends but it’s not the same as money and distance gets in the way. We talk – well text – on the phone but I long for that meet up face to face.

I have made new friends since being a new mum but we’re all busy looking after new humans we brought into the world. I’m not always able to be spontaneous and say ‘Hey let’s meet up in 30mins’ we have to plan an outing, like seriously plan.

I wouldn’t really say I have a best friend in the city that I live in. There’s many times I’m afraid to reveal my real thoughts of when I’m having dark moments. I suffer from depression so dark moments sometimes happen often. Plus they’ve never been diagnosed with depression themselves. I feel my deaf friends, in London, are more likely to understand where I’m coming from.

Urgh, it’s not easy writing this post and I hope those who read it and say ‘I thought we were best friends!’ aren’t offended. There’s lots about me you don’t know or I just don’t wish to share with you. Depression can make people behave like that, pushing people away when they most need to talk.

Depression as a deaf person? Well that’s harder still as only a select few will understand your pain more than a hearing person who’ll probably tell you to ‘stop thinking negatively’. I can’t help the way I think I’ve been like this for many years. 

Anyway, toodles before I divulge anymore…