The moment I realised I’m deaf again

I went to a hearing event last night on my own as I just needed to get out. This is difficult being a single mum and all that. The hearing event was an open mic music night in a bar. When I first went in I was greeted by noise. I chose to step out of my comfort zone and persevere anyway. 

I soon sat down at a table and somehow joined in on the conversation with three people. I was mainly able to join in as one person was animated in her actions as she was speaking. I still only got snippets of information though to be able to join in. I did explain to them that I had a hearing problem and wouldn’t be able to hear everything they said. They said they understood and said yes it’s a noisy place. But I’m guessing it was their first encounter with a deaf person as they carried on just the same. 

The venue had many reflective surfaces and no carpet or any materials that would absorb sound. I’ve never been there before and I’m guessing I won’t be going back in a hurry. Even though I was sat next to someone I couldn’t hear a damn thing they said. Music was going on, projected by speakers and yet the others on the table managed to hear what he was saying?! 

That’s the moment I realised I’m deaf yet again. It depresses me so having deafness and people aren’t deaf aware or know any sign language.  

Our sign language awareness has improved in some respect but people like Jamie Foxx appearing on the Jimmy Fallon show and mimicking sign language recently shows people still haven’t grasped the need for sign language. Or that many deaf people rely on a basic communication need.  

It all feels like deaf awareness is falling on the hearing persons deaf ears and they are not pulling their finger out to learn sign language or become deaf aware fast enough. 

Campaigns for teaching British Sign Language as a GCSE at school is seemingly taking forever to gain traction. Why won’t British parliament consider that we need British Sign Language to be recognised as a language? 

When will hearing people realise that being deaf is not a joke? We need access to basic communication needs just like you.  

Confrontation to my rapist ‘friend’

So I decided to send ‘Dear rapist ‘friend’, thank you!’ to the man, boy, eejit who raped me. I have had him blocked on Facebook and I believe his phone number too.

I had to block him on Facebook before as Facebook listed him as a ‘Person you may know.’ Thanks Facebook(!) I unblocked him the other day and spur of the moment led me to send him a message via Messenger. I used the ‘Dear rapist ‘friend’, thank you!’ letter and made sure every swear word was spelt out.

As we’re not friends on Facebook the message went into his ‘other’ folder for him to accept or decline. He had the instant message symbol next to his profile picture. I sent it at 1:18am as that’s how much he still preyed on my mind.

About 12 hours later I checked his Facebook profile and I couldn’t find it! This means he’s been affected by my message and can’t pretend he ain’t read it! Even though my message has not been accepted I know he’s read it. Why block someone after being contacted by them out of the blue?

I know others have done the same to their rapist(s) when no longer seeing them physically through a quick search on Google. Some were a similar story to me – thinking they couldn’t have been raped by someone they knew.

Anyhoo I feel even more insisted to write RagDoll and tell the world this difficult subject. These people are broken to do such an act. Also don’t EVER think for one second after reading this article think that it was your fault that the rape happened. You will somehow learn how to live with the trauma. I am slowly by writing about it.

Grin and bear it attitude 

If you have very high tolerance levels because of having to just ‘grin and bear it’ as a child and now you find yourself sticking with bad situations (a demeaning job, unhealthy relationship etc) for too long, what can you do about it? How can you start to recognise when you should step away from it? 

Psychologies.co.uk tweet about ‘Are you secretly depressed?’ Hit a raw nerve with me. Especially the quote above. Since I’ve been young I’ve hidden my depression without realising it as I knew I was different to those around me for various reasons. One of them was my disability. 

Since I was the only disabled student in the majority of the schools I went to I couldn’t identify with anyone else. Deafness is something that is difficult to understand. I would be the only student in the school who had a radio aid so I’m pretty sure all the teachers knew who I was. As well as the students. 

The point I’m trying to make is that I’ve looked different to others for the listening devices I had to wear and the specialist microphone that I would have to ask the teachers to wear so I could hear them better. I had to ‘grin and bear it’ in order to survive at school and get a decent education. 

There’s plenty of times upon reflection that I realise I shouldn’t have put up with certain situations. I’m slowing changing my habits to not do this. 

I had to ask a neighbour I’ve never spoken to before to pick up his dogs mess the other day! His dog was roaming around on the street and chose my place of residence to do its business. In the past I wouldn’t have gone up to a stranger. I would have just ‘grinned and beared it’. 

No more I say. No more. No wonder why I get or have had depression for yonks.

Deaf and dumb? I think not.

I feel D/deaf people are the same as hearing people when it comes to wishing to improve their job prospects. However, how can many D/deaf people do this when the adequate access isn’t provided?

I seem to always be studying. If I’m not studying I’m reading or watching tv whilst quietly working out a creative project. Only in my spare time when motherhood duties doesn’t beckon me. It’s like I’m always working and never seem to sleep soundly at night. I have enrolled on a few home study courses. They are copywriting and social media marketing. I think that this will help to fund my creative side and allow me to possibly afford another day at nursery for my toddler.

But when the access isn’t there, how do disabled people enhance themselves? Luckily I’ve chosen subjects that revolve around reading. I’m fortunate that I can understand written English to a high degree. Those who struggle well where are the BSL translations or transcripts for podcasts? It always seems to resort back to money. Money, money, money. If I had the money I would help others like myself but for now I have to help myself before helping others.

It seems disabled people’s cries are falling on deaf ears when it comes to access in all areas of life. Then the government wishes to penalise us for being disabled by cutting needed fundings and projects? How is that fair?

It feels those who are privileged and non-disabled won’t argue on our behalf unless affected themselves for whatever reason. Be it their child, mother, father or another relative who is affected by being disabled in this unfriendly world.

Education is incredibly important and without it how can one achieve success in life? 

So please don’t call us ‘deaf and dumb’ when you fail to provide access to us all.

I wish to improve myself, do you?

A tweet on Twitter by @GraceFVictory ‘Don’t get side tracked with what other people doing. You are in your own damn lane with no traffic. Stay focused on those winding roads 💗’

The amount of times people, well close family, tell me that writing isn’t a real job so I must forget my dreams. 

The amount of times I’ve nearly given up but the universe tells me I’m on the right track by surprising me with delightful writing related news.

The amount of times I stress myself out wondering how I will provide for myself and my toddler in the future. The answers are all in the subjects I wish to train myself in. Copywriting and social media marketing. I have already enrolled on these home study courses. I just need to motivate myself again…

You can be so busy comparing your life to others that you waste the person you are. You are on your own journey. Not theirs. Don’t forget that.

Is it any wonder why I get depressed?

I have quite a few regrets in life. When I start thinking about these regrets it only gets me depressed. I have to hold my head up high and say ‘it’s ok. It really is’.

Is it any wonder that I get depressed every now and then given what I’ve revealed recently in my blog post? That and other things like having low self esteem has led to putting up with certain occurring situations. Thankfully I had enough self respect to dump my ‘friend’ as I knew it wasn’t how you treat people. Once was enough. 

I’d guess a lot of my low self esteem has come from not knowing how to handle my deafness. How to assert myself by saying ‘hey I’m deaf – don’t treat me like that’. I may have had that confidence if I wasn’t bullied at school for being different. But hey ho, in recent years I guess I have learnt to be alone and not try to fit in anymore. I’ve survived severe bouts of depression and this means I should be able to get through anything life throws me.

Here’s to trying to move on from the past but still using that crap for artistic reasons for plays and the likes.

Why aren’t we ready to talk?

I shared a secret of mine the other day. One that has haunted me in various ways for the past five years. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then read my previous blog post  here.

I felt really exposed when I finally published it and thought I may get some kind of response. But it felt like I was greeted with silence. 

Why the silence guys? 

Is it too close to home for you? 

Or is it always the victim’s fault for ending up in a situation like that?

Do you want all the gory details? He used me like a rag doll – use your imagination…

I’m hoping by speaking out it will encourage others to speak out too or ask for help. You’re not alone. 💙