I’ve moved about up and down the UK since I was small. I felt I could have had long lasting friendships when I was small but it wasn’t to be. It’s because I moved primary schools when I was nine and secondary schools when I was 15.
Moving primary schools was hard and I remember the person I did call my best friend didn’t want me to leave. My parents wanted me to have a better education as the primary school I was at was open planned making everything extremely noisy. Plus it was also mixed Year groups. When you were in the older year group you just repeated what you did the year before. How dull.
When I went to the second primary school I knew I just wouldn’t fit in and I’ve kind of had that feeling of not belonging since then.
My mum always told me I had three disadvantages in life being Black, deaf and a woman. I sometimes wonder which one people see first but is that really my problem? Sometimes it is.
I find it hard letting people in as I’ve had been through difficult times and the only ‘person’ I could trust was pen and paper – i.e. My diary. I still sometimes feel that way today.
When I returned to London as a young adult, the only time I felt I fitted in after three depressing years at university was when I met D/deaf people. I felt ‘at long f***ing last! I belong!’ I was able to share some of my pain to these new friends but once again I wasn’t able to stay settled where I was…
Since moving nearer my family I’m still in touch with some of my close personal D/deaf friends but it’s not the same as money and distance gets in the way. We talk – well text – on the phone but I long for that meet up face to face.
I have made new friends since being a new mum but we’re all busy looking after new humans we brought into the world. I’m not always able to be spontaneous and say ‘Hey let’s meet up in 30mins’ we have to plan an outing, like seriously plan.
I wouldn’t really say I have a best friend in the city that I live in. There’s many times I’m afraid to reveal my real thoughts of when I’m having dark moments. I suffer from depression so dark moments sometimes happen often. Plus they’ve never been diagnosed with depression themselves. I feel my deaf friends, in London, are more likely to understand where I’m coming from.
Urgh, it’s not easy writing this post and I hope those who read it and say ‘I thought we were best friends!’ aren’t offended. There’s lots about me you don’t know or I just don’t wish to share with you. Depression can make people behave like that, pushing people away when they most need to talk.
Depression as a deaf person? Well that’s harder still as only a select few will understand your pain more than a hearing person who’ll probably tell you to ‘stop thinking negatively’. I can’t help the way I think I’ve been like this for many years.
Anyway, toodles before I divulge anymore…