Dear rapist ‘friend’, thank you!

Thank you for letting me know your name rhymes with motherf***er.  

Thank you for treating me like a rag doll when YOU were having sex, I know how I don’t wish to be treated.

Thank you for proving that you’re not a man but a mere pathetic boy.

Thank you for providing me material for my play also called ‘Rag Doll’, I wish to highlight what is consensual sex.

Thank you for making me be reborn again in more ways than one. Looks definitely are deceiving in your case.

Thank you, just thank you for being the biggest tw*t I’ve ever met, we may no longer be friends but I know the sun don’t shine out your backside unlike those who still do.

I hope we never meet again so I’m just writing to say ‘Thank you’.

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Happy regular Tuesday everybody!

Valentines Day can often remind you of failed relationships, especially when single. I for one am one of these people.

I was in a long term relationship- long meaning it was most of my adult life. I’ve been single for over two years now and it’s only now I feel ready to move on. I guess I’ve not been able to address a lot of things since having a young child to look after. You put them first no matter what.

As the only one in my circle of mummy friends who’s single I often used to envy them as they could have children with the same partner. Now I’m happy for them as it shows real love is possible.

I saw the Yorkshire Evening Post yesterday about the show Naked Attraction wanting people from Leeds. I laughed at the idea of myself applying. Me naked on national TV?! Heck no! I’d rather travel to London and go on First Dates…

I’d just say for the singles out there, don’t despair – now is clearly not your time. You just need to be in a steady relationship with yourself first before committing to another.

Have a happy regular Tuesday! 

Who do I call my best friends?

I’ve moved about up and down the UK since I was small. I felt I could have had long lasting friendships when I was small but it wasn’t to be. It’s because I moved primary schools when I was nine and secondary schools when I was 15.

Moving primary schools was hard and I remember the person I did call my best friend didn’t want me to leave. My parents wanted me to have a better education as the primary school I was at was open planned making everything extremely noisy. Plus it was also mixed Year groups. When you were in the older year group you just repeated what you did the year before. How dull.

When I went to the second primary school I knew I just wouldn’t fit in and I’ve kind of had that feeling of not belonging since then.

My mum always told me I had three disadvantages in life being Black, deaf and a woman. I sometimes wonder which one people see first but is that really my problem? Sometimes it is.

I find it hard letting people in as I’ve had been through difficult times and the only ‘person’ I could trust was pen and paper – i.e. My diary. I still sometimes feel that way today.

When I returned to London as a young adult, the only time I felt I fitted in after three depressing years at university was when I met D/deaf people. I felt ‘at long f***ing last! I belong!’ I was able to share some of my pain to these new friends but once again I wasn’t able to stay settled where I was…

Since moving nearer my family I’m still in touch with some of my close personal D/deaf friends but it’s not the same as money and distance gets in the way. We talk – well text – on the phone but I long for that meet up face to face.

I have made new friends since being a new mum but we’re all busy looking after new humans we brought into the world. I’m not always able to be spontaneous and say ‘Hey let’s meet up in 30mins’ we have to plan an outing, like seriously plan.

I wouldn’t really say I have a best friend in the city that I live in. There’s many times I’m afraid to reveal my real thoughts of when I’m having dark moments. I suffer from depression so dark moments sometimes happen often. Plus they’ve never been diagnosed with depression themselves. I feel my deaf friends, in London, are more likely to understand where I’m coming from.

Urgh, it’s not easy writing this post and I hope those who read it and say ‘I thought we were best friends!’ aren’t offended. There’s lots about me you don’t know or I just don’t wish to share with you. Depression can make people behave like that, pushing people away when they most need to talk.

Depression as a deaf person? Well that’s harder still as only a select few will understand your pain more than a hearing person who’ll probably tell you to ‘stop thinking negatively’. I can’t help the way I think I’ve been like this for many years. 

Anyway, toodles before I divulge anymore…

Dreams of a deafie 

I watched the premiere of Strictly the musical in Leeds yesterday. I can honestly say I was blown away! The amount of energy everyone had, including the sign language interpreter, was mind boggling.  

At times I didn’t get the full story as the interpreter was at the side of the stage whilst the main action was in the centre. There was a bit of dialogue and singing plus, of course, plenty of dancing. This is something I hope will be rectified in future theatre performances. Finding a way to have the interpreter actually on the main stage. Gosh the skills the interpreter may need, being able to dance, act, sing and sign at the same time!  

‘Dreams of a deafie’ is something that I envisioned after reflecting on the show. It will have the core message of overcoming adversity because of their disability. I hope it will serve as a reminder to disabled people that they can do anything given the right support and opportunities. People, particularly the young, need this kind of positive message.

I never had disabled role models as I was growing up and I aim to create something to give to the young. It will also be a reminder to those who feel stuck in a rut. There are times in life you have a dream but don’t know how to achieve it. People may laugh at your dreams so you settle for less. You settle for what makes your soul cry everyday with sadness instead of happiness.

I feel that my niche in writing is developing. It’s becoming clear that I’m obsessed with music. ‘But you’re deaf!’ I hear you cry. That didn’t stop me learning the piano to ABRSM Grade 7 standard. I now look at the piano and my fingers longing wanting to play like a pro. I however, had a niggling feeling that the piano wasn’t for me. It did teach me how to persevere when you feel like giving up. Mainly because I had exams or performances to give.

‘Dreams of a deafie’ is loosely based on my own experiences. I’m sure there are many deaf people who can relate to it. I intend to make it a short film first and perhaps develop it into a deaf musical. A deafical – yes I made that word up! Who knows what the future will bring. Stay positive people!

Why was I trying so hard to fit in?

Bainy B Cyrus has reaffirmed something I already knew. I seemed naïve as I couldn’t hear/feel all the warnings around me. I tried to tune in to the words instead when I should have trusted my instincts. Body language is more important than words themselves.

You may feel like you have repeated yourself or that it’s ‘common sense’ but deaf people aren’t always clued up like their hearing peers as a lot is from overheard conversations or by picking up on intonation.

I have stupidly been in situations that could have gone horribly wrong but I somehow survived them…

I feel that the spirits were watching me, trying to guide me – even when I didn’t want to listen. Things have turned out ok though. It wasn’t part of my five year plan to be where I am today but I’ve had to adapt. That is what I do best, it seems.

I’m used to being the outsider but that don’t make it any easier. I’m used to sometimes being the last one to hear/follow a conversation but that’s just trying to make people more deaf aware and realise that I am there. There are a few friendships I’ve could have given up on long ago but I’m glad I didn’t. It has left me feeling cold at times as they didn’t quite get me and my deafness, but then again some of my own family haven’t gotten to that stage yet. You’d think family would think twice before laughing at what you’ve said when you’ve said the wrong thing. But then they’re so used to not dealing with disabilities.

Where am I going with this? I’m just reminding myself not to be too harsh on myself as it took me years to understand hearing people when I couldn’t comprehend my own deafness.

I wanted to fit in, but now I’m glad I didn’t.

Why do I choose not to sing in public?

It’s hard work being a musician. You have to rehearse everyday or you lose your talents that you’ve worked so hard to achieve. I should know being an ex pianist.

I got to ABRSM grade 7 standard on the piano but my heart wasn’t in it. Was it because I was forced to perform pieces for an exam that had been selected by the exam board? I couldn’t choose a piece of music that I listened to for pleasure or danced to in private for my graded exams.

I do appreciate the training that I had whilst doing these exams. It taught me loads about my personality and aspirations. But it took me a while to be true to myself. I knew I wanted to be a singer.

I have had opportunities to sing in public by doing a solo performance on the piano whilst singing and by being in a choir. I enjoyed it immensely. However, being locked away in the rehearsal room is gruelling and can make you curse yourself for not being perfect all the time. You have to train your body to reach those particular rhythms or pitch no matter the instrument you play.

I thought I would enjoy performing more if I could sing and sign at the same time. Unfortunately I feel like time is running out. It’s another new set of skills I would have to learn and I still need to pay the bills. I’m not a teenager anymore who doesn’t have a care in the world. I have to remember this fact.

I would still like to perhaps write song lyrics for a trained professional to sing. My passion for music hasn’t waned just how I choose to react to it in a professional way.

I will stick to my other creative projects. Be it playwriting, copywriting or writing stories. Amongst a million other things!

Starting my organic/natural journey

I have for several years been interested in concocting my own hair and skin products. 

One time I made a mixture that didn’t work. It stung me on the initial use but I carried on using it until my skin broke out in a rash. I felt ugly and wanted to hide my face. But alas I couldn’t as life had to go on.

Since starting two courses this month on skin/hair care and aromatherapy I have awakened my interest in this field. One of the books in the reading list – The Fragrant Pharmacy by Valerie Ann Worwood – I realised I bought in 2013 when I wanted to help my own illnesses organically. I have yet to buy the essential oils that have been recommended to always have at home along with the right carrier oils.

I have never worn makeup religiously. The most I’ve done is worn mascara on and off which made me have blurred vision and itchy eyes. When I wear makeup it stings my skin and I have to take it off right away. This to me was a sign to not buy any. Plus when I was growing up makeup for black people was scarce.

I wish to continue my education from my hands on beginners courses on aromatherapy and skin/hair care. I have seen courses online but that means studying on my own again. I already write in isolation the majority of the time so I crave human interaction every now and again. It also means I can make friends with like minded people. 

I would love to have my own business where I incorporate my writing skills, copywriting skills that I am currently learning and interest in organic/natural products. I feel that this is the way forward to me. It may take a few years to achieve this but Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

Oh and I will still sing in my spare time!